My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
