i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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