My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
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