he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Randomize
