At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
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