I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
