the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Randomize
