She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
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