the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
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