My underwear smells like fireworks.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
