My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I believe in your delicious
Randomize
