I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Randomize
