they need to just BURY HIM!
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
My liver just had a heart attack.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
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