I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
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I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
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Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
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