He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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