You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
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