there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
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