I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
how drunk are you?
Several
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Randomize
