fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
