Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
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