my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Randomize
