I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
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