I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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