I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Randomize
