So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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