If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
