My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
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