I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Randomize
