I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
