She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
