You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
