when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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