In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
I still have a little drunk in my system
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
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