Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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