u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Randomize
