i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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