my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
just watched an entire episode so you think you can dance for head. so wasn't worth it
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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