They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
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