Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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