last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
