So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
