The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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