the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Randomize
