I saw that some person on TFLN used a bag of wine as a pillow. I tried it last night. I forgot to close the spout. I woke up and thought my face had a period
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
Randomize
