Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
