its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
You've changed since you got that strap on
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
