we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
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I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You dont lie about slip and slides
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
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