he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
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