Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
My bed is full of blood and feathers
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
