And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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