You can't wash away shame.
I can try.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
