He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Randomize
