remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Randomize
