he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
Randomize
