at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
drinking out of a sandbucket again
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
Randomize
